Desire

I have lost some of the enthusiasm that drove me to create an entire, new prayer schedule, and also somewhat more of a daily routine.  I worked on it over the weekend, talked to my husband about it last night, and launched the project, or at least the rough draft of it, today.  Even before the day began, as I spoke with my husband last night, I experienced some inner trepidation and questioning... why am I doing this again?  What actually needs to change?  Aren't we already doing ok?  Aren't I?  Why do I want to make more sacrifices or commitments?

Of course I might look back and tweak my goals a bit, or I might toss out the new prayer routine altogether if it is not good for our family, but for now, the reason I came up with it, was because I thought that it would be good, and I cannot let it go until I have seen whether or not it is--and, I cannot see whether or not it is good until I practice it faithfully to see what it brings.

I didn't start this new challenge because I am feeling so much love for God and so much hunger for Him that I wanted desperately to be allowed to pray more.  Far from it.  God and I have been wrestling, like Jacob and the angel, for several weeks now, throughout late night feedings, late night awakenings of the baby that aren't even feedings, and many moments of a crying baby throughout the day where I feel at a loss with what even to do.  Even before the baby, I cannot say that I had been having any urges to fall on my knees in prayerful adoration or to lift my hands to my Maker. 

So often I do not even feel desire for God, but I am convinced with all of my heart that He is desirable.  He is the Maker of all that is good.  He is my Provider and Sustainer.  I have experienced His help and joy in my life.  I know that we are made for Him, and that we find our complete happiness in Him.  I believe all of this.  St. Thomas Aquinas wrote a miraculous summary of theology.  Who understood God and His mysteries better than this holy genius?  He had a prayerful experience with God, as Jesus told him that he had written well of Him and asked him what he would have for his reward.  Now I can think of a lot of things that I would want as a reward if Jesus asked me... but St. Thomas wanted only one thing: "Only Thyself, Lord."  Who is this God he desired so ardently?  I want to know.  I want to know Him more, and not only what I have already experienced of Him.

My mom was telling me a story of St. Therese that I had heard previously, but still appreciated hearing again.  One of St. Therese's older sisters was giving away a basket of her old things to Therese and another sister.  The other sister picked carefully through the basket to pick out a couple of objects.  Therese did not pick through it, but grabbed the entire contents and said that she wanted it all.  This was the same spirit with which she pursued Christ and allowed herself to receive all that He had to give her.  I want all.  I hope for all.  I do not want to miss all of the plans and good gifts that my Father has to give me. 

Even if my heart does not feel aflame, I know that its deepest thirst and most desperate hope is for Christ, and not just for a little bit or for me to be a little bit given to Him, but for me to be completely consumed by Him and for me to receive Him completely.  This isn't going to happen with fireworks and boom bands playing but with simple and faithful obedience.