Hanging on

I wanted to write today about how great God is, how wonderful His works, about the thunderstorm I watched outside with my husband last night, about the power of music to lift our hearts to Him, and about the Creator of sunsets, but that is not what is on my heart today.  God is good, but today is one of those days you could call a faith survival day, a day that I can be relieved that I made it through without giving up on God, though I could not hear Him through my two children screaming through a traffic jam and my anxieties drowning out His voice. 

The day has gone terribly wrong, and short of a tragedy, it has been one of the most difficult days, a day that at no moment I felt equipped to handle.  I woke an hour and a half late and finally headed for a previously planned trip to the zoo with friends with no prayer, no exercise, and no breakfast.  I broke an eating out fast as we stopped at Mcdonald's and I gave my daughter a hash brown, a nutritious breakfast of potatoes and oily fats that are probably illegal in most countries.  The way home from the zoo, to put it concisely, was full of kicking, screaming, crying, traffic, and hunger.  When I had finally gotten Edmund fed and Agnes in bed, Edmund began his habit of needing constant attention and the use of at least one of my hands, a habit which I thought he had broken (maybe only when Clayton is home!).

I do not feel so hopeful  (in spite of a wonderful break as Edmund gave a brief cooing and smiling session) but there is so much to be thankful for.  These are the days when faith has meaning, a day like Holy Saturday, when any follower of Christ has to wonder what can God possibly be up to?  It is a day that I don't have to understand why when at my complete whit's end, I sit down to nurse, finally a moment of quiet, and my phone alarm starts going off across the room.  None of these things are a big deal when put in perspective, but putting things in perspective sometimes requires to be outside of the complete immersion in chaos and inconvenience.  When "God provides" seems to mean God provides another situation to provoke me, all I can do is continue to pray and wait it out.  I know God will see me through these small daily difficulties that seem too great for me to handle. 

"A patient man need stand firm but for a time, then contentment comes back to him."  Sirach something