Trust

My husband keeps reminding me how many days it has been since I have written a blog post, to which I have politely ignored him, not knowing how to explain why I haven't written.  So much has been happening to me in the past week and a half, not so much outward circumstances, though we had my precious son's baptism, family to visit, a holiday to spend, and then just plain old life--but internally, God has been doing something new and different, teaching me old news in new ways, and I feel like I am finally beginning to understand what He has been trying to tell me for years.  I guess you could sum it all up in two words: "Trust Jesus."

The most significant change has been my meditation and obedience, or at least increase in obedience, to Philipians 4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God."  My last post was about a day in which I basically didn't do this.  I spiraled out of control until I was left angry with God for abandoning me.  The next day was different.  I don't remember why exactly such a change overcame me, besides the Holy Spirit of course, but why I responded to Him differently.  Instead of letting the anxiety of ordinary situations have control over me, I brought each situation to the Lord.  The day did not go better, but I went better through my day.  Since then I have been experiencing so many new graces for surrender.

My life is not full of huge challenges, and my trials are not always obvious to an onlooker, but I believe that that is often why I tend to gloss over so many Bible verses.  Oh of course, bring your petitions to God.  Help us to be safe.  Help us to have enough money.  Help me get through pregnancy and mothering a tiny baby...  All of the big things.  What about the small things that drive me crazy every day?  The questions that I ask myself and do not know how to handle?  I have been irritated countless times with Agnes waking up too early, and I respond so negatively, because I don't know why and I wonder and I am afraid that she will keep doing that.  Bring that to the Lord.  God, give me the grace for less alone time--help me to trust that Agnes will get the sleep that she needs, and I will get the restoration I need that did not happen with that short nap break.  Clayton is helping someone with something again, at a time when our time together has been limited?  Of course I am happy for him to be serving.  God, I trust that You will provide the unity in our relationship that I thought needed to come from that hour.

I am in no way Joyful Jill now where everyone can see that I clearly have given God control in my life and have no more anxieties, but I am in the process of becoming more fully who God intends, everyday offering Him my fears and failures and weaknesses and disappointments.  I feel like I am understanding more fully what it means to be saved by God and to live in His mercy.  I am so far from complete surrender, but how good those moments of trust and surrender have been!